Another member of the ‘vast right-wing conspiracy’

I have to admit, I've always wanted to be part of something "vast." Thanks, Hillary!

First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton's statement on her personal PR machine (television) that the latest round of scandal-talk concerning her husband and his corrupt administration was all "part of a vast right-wing conspiracy" certainly gives heart to those of us who have, until now, allowed ourselves to be convinced by The Official Line that we were lone-wolf troublemakers.

When you think about it, though, isn't it funny how the national media buys the line that there IS a "Right-wing conspiracy?" Had Mrs. Clinton alleged there is some great "Left-wing conspiracy" out there, she'd have been laughed right off the stage.

I mean, up 'til now, WE'VE been the "conspiracy nuts."

Since finding out I was part of a "vast" conspiracy, I've gotten in contact with others via anonymous phone calls, anonymous e-mails and closed session — er, clandestine — meetings. Like I said, it's a confidence boost to find out you're part of a team.

Being in the journalism business, though, I also believe in openness and freedom of information. Maybe I'm just a little old-fashioned that way. People have the right to know what those of us involved in this "vast" conspiracy are up to.

I'll spill the beans about the Right, if Hillary will spill 'em about the Left.

For starters, there's the persistent charge by the eco-freaks that we're out to devastate the planet. True. I sneak out on weekends and randomly cut down trees. Some friends of mine actually take barrels of toxic waste from the chemical plants in Pasadena, Deer Park and Baytown and fly 'em down to Brazil, where they dump them in the Amazon to destroy the rain forest.

You remember those ugly, fiery charges which have been leveled for years that us radical Rightists want to regulate what goes on in people's bedrooms? That's only partially true. We're voyeurs at heart; we don't want to regulate, we want to watch. You might not know this, but new micro-camera technology has enabled us to put mini-cams in every new home, new apartment and new building that's gone up for the last five years. We're watching you.

It always tickles me when I see the Left trying to characterize our ideas as Nazi or fascist; both Hitler and Mussolini were dedicated Socialists, something which those of us in the Conspiracy abhor. We're actually more attuned to the political philosophies of, say, Henry VIII. Feudalism worked for hundreds of years, and I think it's time for another go at it.

Global warming? That's actually a bit of misdirection on our part. We've funded several clandestine operations up in the Arctic over the last few years, with huge coal-burning stoves melting vast chunks of ice to throw the liberal scientists off. In the meantime, we're buying up all the winter-clothing stock we can, because we're actually headed for a new Ice Age.

One ugly common conception fostered by the Left is that those of us on the Right are racist or anti-minority and just don't care about the poor. Well, think about it: who developed the social welfare system which has effectively enslaved millions of blacks, Hispanics and poor whites, and intentionally dumbed-down schools to ensure that the poor are never able to rise out of that system?

Your turn, Hillary.